Living not striving…

I have quite a few random thoughts to jot down.  I spent the last couple of hours with the Cawthons and the Browns.  Michael and Vanessa happened to be in town briefly and I was so excited that we had a chance to hang out.  I am so thankful for friends to share life with and share our excitement about Newspring Florence coming on the scene this fall.  Gives me a major smile attack(Not sure what that is either, just made it up, way past my bedtime.  I am running on Longhorn Chocolate Stampede!)

Also had a great visit with Grandpa Chapman in the hospital today.  We haven’t seen him since last Saturday but his color and energy is much improved.  Does the heart good:)  Such a miracle!!!  The boys do have a bit of a hard time seeing him so sick one visit and then a bit better the next but still in the hospital.  Haig especially seems to really be trying to process this.  The plan is for him to go home sometime this week.  Scared to get our hopes up too much yet it would be so wonderful! 

We are so blessed by the continued outpouring of love and support from our friends and family.  Thank you for the continued prayers, phone calls, food and help.  We knew we had good friends but times like these just make us realize our cup is filled to overflowing with awesome people that we are honored to call friends.  You all are incredible and I can’t say enough how much your love helps us through each and every day.  I don’t know what we would do without you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  We love you:)

Life is a balancing act and I am usually teetering one way or another, desperately trying to stay on the beam.  ”Balance” seems to be an elusive term.  What does it really look like?  We all understand how our priorities should look and line up but when it comes to the nitty gritty decisions in everyday life, how do I consistently make the right ones to keep me on track and standing upright, instead of leaning precariously, frantically waving my arms and holding my breath so I don’t fall?I read by Craig Groeschel, I believe, a blog about how balance is kind of relative and needs to be looked at depending on the season in your life.  For instance where your time needs to be weighted, depending on ages of your children, health situations, job situations, etc.  I do like that thought, but it still leaves me facing so many daily decisions like:

•  do I get up early for time with the Lord or sneak 20 extra minutes of sleep to help my sanity?
• do I have a sugar and caffeine laden cup of coffee or drink another bottle of water?
• now do I make myself go to the gym (since I surely chose the coffee) or take the half hour to rush a shower and look presentable?
• do I tackle laundry, dishes, cleaning or do I play with the boys and go to the park?
• do I go to the grocery store (oh horrors!) and cook a healthy dinner or do I watch a friends kiddos and pick up Little Caesars?
• do I work on homework with McCall while the other boys play with playdough (resulting in prayers for patience and clean up) or do I skip the activity and send them outside for trampoline time and popsicles?
• do I cook dinner and do a quick clean up while the boys watch tv or do I try to cook while they whine and cry and pull on me and the house ends up trashed?
• do I spend an hour sitting with my husband watching tv or do I finally finish cleaning the kitchen and folding the laundry so the day starts with a somewhat straightened house?

I know you understand.  Sometimes it just seems like there is no winning scenario.  So I breath deeply and celebrate each small victory.  And I guess try to give myself a break and realize that this feeling of vertigo is a season?  I hope?

Close up of cutie pie Eli, so pensive:)Haig, my serious ballplayerMcCall the Happy ScoutI never know what I will find after Eli finally falls asleepThree in a nest at the Atlanta ZooJust wanted to share some fun pictures from the past couple of months in our lives.  I am also trying to figure out how to do a better job using pictures and using our camera, so bear with me:) 

It is 9:30pm on Saturday night.  Our out-of-town guests have gone to bed, the boys are finally settled to sleep and Mark is with his dad at the hospital.  My mind is slowly unraveling its tightness a tiny bit to process and breath.  You know the feeling?I have to admit that it is easy for me to be overwhelmed at all the things at the moment that I “don’t know” the answer to . 

• What the next few days, let alone the next few weeks hold for me and those I love. 
• What to get my precious brother Marshall for graduation since it appears I may not be able to physically be present at the important event. 
• How to tangibly help and bless so many family members that are spread out so far. 
• How to support my wonderful husband and his family. 
• How to plan for this summer. 

I love the planning period these last few weeks before summer break.  A whole summer stretches before us with so many fun possibilities.  I love to plan the places we will go, the books we will read, the crafts we will make, the parties and events we will hold, the naps we will take:)But each time I consider these things and “whatever” I consider to be the next step… I feel a silence and a gentle “Just Wait.”  Not real good at the waiting thing, but I have learned to recognize that.  and thankfully I recognize that this does not have to be scary or frustrating if I can rest and trust in the One who holds my past, present and future in the palm of His hand.  He knows and He loves me:)   That is what I do know and I do believe.  I know that in this moment, even when I may not understand His ways, I TRUST HIM.  …deep breath…Final thought, another quote from Gary Thomas.

While few of us would (or even should) have the courage to willingly choose sorrow, when we find ourselves in it, if we quieted our souls down - if we learned to float in it rather than thrash about like a drowning emotional vicitm - we might find,…., that it can be used to set us free.

Hmmm, how about that?

Another amazing, kick my tail quote from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

Would I rather live a life of ease and comfort and remain immature in Christ, or am I willing to be seasoned with suffering if by doing so I am conformed to the image of Christ?

Eli likes to climb.  I also loved to climb as a child.  My mom shares many stories of my escapades.  I used to love walking on the top of the wall of the sixth floor of the parking garage in downtown Charleston in college.  Drove Mark crazy.

Eli is also fairly fearless.  Tonight McCall called to me from the other room, “Mom, Eli is on top of the tv!”  Did I jump up and run to him…no, I said “Tell him to get down.”  Call me crazy but I watch his antics enough that I know that he can safely get down and if I jumped up every time he did something dangerous, I would absolutely never sit down.

Tonight as I was tucking his brothers in I overheard Eli say (I kid you not) “This my climbing wall.” (I am not sure how he knows what a climbing wall is…I think from Kidzfest, thanks Cornerstone;) I turned around and he was climbing the boys chest of drawers, using the colorful knobs as the hand and foot supports.  I wish I had taken a picture.  Priceless!

I haven’t been around much lately.  The blogworld at least.  Mark commented that I haven’t blogged recently.  I told him I just don’t have a lot of words right now.  Not that seem like they would make sense or matter to anyone really.  I think maybe there is just a lot going on and I haven’t found the space or time to process it yet.

Today I didn’t feel well so for the first time in a really, really long time I stayed home and just did nothing.  Well, I had two of the boys so “nothing” within reason, but I did take a really long nap.  So nice.  Tomorrow is a new day.  So I will be more interesting soon I hope.  Hang in there:)

Most everyone that reads this will probably not understand…. but I just read something that is making me wildly jealous.  Carlos Whittaker and Tony Morgan both posted today that they are going as blogging journalists to a “stealth conference” hosted by Rick Warren of Saddleback Church.  The conference is May 20-22.  Rick Warren invited 35 of his closest pastor friends to come and speak to a handful of by-invitation only leaders from around the country.  He also invited 4 bloggers that he respects to come and document and share with the rest of us what is going on.  Yes, I live vicariously through others but some of the speakers are Mark Driscoll, Perry Noble, Mark Batterson, Greg Surratt, Jentezen Franklin, Tim Keller, Miles McPherson and the list goes on and on.  So check out Tony Morgan’s blog and you can link to some live chat rooms as well as video feed of interviews, etc during the conference. And pray for protection, discernment and growth for these pastors and leaders. God may do some amazing things through this gathering.  Too cool:)

Okay let’s try something.

Random question Saturday.

What show will you most miss seeing this summer and which summer series are you actually looking forward to?

Parenting is not easy.  I just made one of the hardest parenting decisions I have ever made, as silly as this is going to sound.  Eli has a very hard time staying in his bed at bedtime.  It is an almost nightly routine of putting him back in bed with spankings and consequences etc.  So tonight after he was spanked the first time I told him that if he chose to get out of bed again I would take away his “doggy b b” for the rest of the night.

This is a super sweet blankie that my sister-in-law Kim made for him when he was born.  He became attached to it very early on and likes to sleep with it laying a specific way on his tummy.  I thought for sure the threat would work like a charm and he would choose wisely and go to sleep.  Wrong!  He came downstairs with a snow toboggan on and a toy hammer.  ( I have no idea where he found the toboggan.)

So I had to follow through and oh the weeping and gnashing of teeth!  I have never heard him cry like he is now crying and screaming his head off.  Hysteria, not anger but such sadness!!!  I am super frustrated and now so sad on top of it because I am making him so, so sad:(  Parenting can be hard.  I just want him to go to sleep so he will be happy in the morning.  If he would just learn to stay still long enough to fall asleep.

 I know it is worth it and I have to follow through and he needs to learn this lesson, but it is hard.  Ugh!! Once he goes to sleep I am sure I can find some greater meaning behind it but right now I just feel like a horribly mean rotten mommy.  And I hollered at him earlier about staying in bed too.  So of course mommy-guilt is kicking hard…… Why can’t bedtime be a sweet, cuddly, idyllic time?